


You Built a Bridge inside My Heart

by moeblobmegane



Category: Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Character Death, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 21:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1872945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moeblobmegane/pseuds/moeblobmegane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been a year and a month since Yamada last saw Yuto driving the Tacit Ronin, <i>the strongest Jaeger in the force</i>, along the coastline of Yokohama; a year and a month since Yuto disappeared from the face of the earth.</p><p>aka that Pacific Rim AU made of tears and blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Built a Bridge inside My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Fic written for [YamaYuto Exchange](yyexchange.livejournal.com).  
> This... was supposed to be completely based on Pacific Rim the movie, but it narrowed down to the Osaka Shatterdome because of reasons. Reading this is better if you’ve watched the movie, because it delves right into it.
> 
> (If you haven’t watched it, watch it first! Oh come on, you should watch quality movies instead of reading this fanfic!)
> 
> Oh but seriously speaking, you’ll probably get it without watching the movie. Maybe.  
> Characters are from JE and various other Japanese artists

**—**  
 **PART ONE: The Mourning**  
 **—**  
  
 _For many years, Japanese children had been promised different tales of sword-slashing heroes, magical girls and giant robots. They grew up watching teams of multi-colored spandex-wearing men and women fight against evil. They even dreamed of becoming one. Of becoming heroes. Of driving a giant robot and fighting the monsters that threaten peace._  
  
 _But what they forgot, was that for those heroes to be born, great calamity must first fall._  
  
 _[- Marshal Johnny Kitagawa; Great Kaiju War, Year 0]_  
  
—  
  
“You awake?” Keito asked, smiling brightly as he settled on the bedside chair. He was wearing a nice blue button-up shirt and black pants like he was going on a trip outside. “Wanna come with me to the city?” He looked hopeful and excited more than anything. For good reasons too. Keito does not get to go out usually, almost never really. His parents were protective and he was safest here in their mansion. Everything he needed to survive was here: food, clothes, even entertainment. It was not worth it to go outside into that chaotic world.  
  
Yuto rolled to the other side of his queen-sized bed and burrowed himself under the blanket, a completely childish behavior for a 25-year-old man like him. “No.” He answered firmly. Then added, “Besides, you shouldn’t go outside.”  
  
“But it’s safe right now with-”  
  
“No.” Yuto interjected, sitting up to glare at him with as much intensity as he could muster. “It’s not. It’s never been safe out there. You’re lucky that your family protects you like this.”  
  
Keito’s frown showed how much he understood that tone. He knew _this_ was a land mine of insecurities and guilt. It was not something they liked to talk about. “Fine,” He sighed, giving up. “I’ll get the butler to buy me some new guitar strings. Would you like anything?”  
  
With a shake of his head, Yuto went back under his blankets. “Just-” He peeked at Keito, looking small and vulnerable for a moment. “Just leave some flowers on the shore, okay?”  
  
—  
  
 _“What I want to be when I grow up?” Nakajima Raiya looked at the camera with a confused expression. “I’m already 21 years old, guys. Isn’t that question kind of…”_  
  
 _The host laughed, shaking his head fondly at him. “You’re always gonna be the national little brother of Japan, you know that.” He grinned conspiratorially at Yuto and asked, “Right, Big bro?” He nudged Yuto’s side with his elbow._  
  
 _Yuto couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s probably my fault, isn’t it?” He smiled sheepishly at the camera before bowing in apology at his brother. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it!”_  
  
 _Raiya hit his shoulder playfully. “You can! Just stop talking about me to everyone already!” He crossed his arms. “If you don’t, I’ll change my co-pilot to someone else.” He feigned a look of complete seriousness. “And since I’m better than you, the Marshal will throw you out and you’ll be homeless.” He nodded his head while grinning smugly._  
  
 _“Mou,” Yuto pouted. To everyone watching, he looked like the little brother out of the two. He has always been childish and liked to threw fake tantrums like this. A certain something that endears people to him more. It was a nice gap from the bloodthirsty image of Yuto when he’s piloting his Jaeger. It made him seem more human, more relatable. “It’s not my fault that you’re growing up too fast and that I want to always remember how cute you were as a child!” He asserted stubbornly before looking at the audience. “He’s still cute now, though, isn’t he?”_  
  
 _The live audience exclaimed their agreement, clapping their hands as Raiya swatted at Yuto’s arm once again._  
  
—  
  
Marshal Kamenashi Kazuya retired from being a Jaeger Pilot at the young age of 25. Due to unknown causes, an incident that is until now classified and hidden from the whole Shatterdome, he protected the coastline of Sendai from a Kaiju on his own. Alone. Single-handedly piloting a Jaeger to fight off Category 3 Kaiju _Yamarashi_. It was an impossible feat. In the history of Jaegers, only two people have made it out alive of that kind of neural pressure. (And even then, the two has not rode a Jaeger after their incidents.)  
  
Despite retiring, however, Kazuya did not quit the fight entirely. He had stayed in the Shatterdome as an assistant to the ex-Marshal Takizawa Hideaki, taking over the post when it was Takizawa’s turn to step down. He watched over the research department and the training, strictly attending to every meeting. He was a spartan when it comes to Shatterdome affairs, but he was greatly loved for his dedication. Even now, 20 years after he last went out to battle, he still did his utter best to observe everything that happens inside.  
  
“I want him back, Yamada.” He said, standing by the side of the dojo to keep an eye on the training of the Jaeger pilots-to-be. “He’s the only one who could pilot Tacit Ronin.” He looked at the side to stare at his assistant’s unflinching form. “You want him back too, don’t you?”  
  
Yamada, his personal assistant, refused to rise to the bait. He continued examining the batch of pilots and taking notes on his clipboard. “As a researcher,” He started, tone flat and unemotional. “I’d love to see what he could do once he comes back. But Tacit Ronin can’t be piloted by just one pilot all the time.” It was a clinical look at the situation, a practical observation.  
  
Kazuya groaned. “Don’t give me that bullshit.” He whispered, eyeing his assistant critically. “ _Ryosuke…_ ”  
  
“Next!” He shouted to the pilots-in-training, clearly not intent on listening to his boss. “Line up! Morimoto Brothers would take on the second batch. Okay, Ryu?” He waited for Ryutaro to nod before glancing at Kazuya sharply. “Marshal, with all due respect, he could come back when he wants to. He chose not to.” With a softer voice, he added, “He lost his co-pilot. You know how hard that is.”  
  
There really was no way to respond to that kind of statement. The Marshal nodded and walked away.  
  
—  
  
 _“You saved me.” Yamada was still breathless and shaking from running for at least half an hour. “You- oh my god, you’re Nakajima Yuto.” He stared wide-eyed at the guy taking off his helmet in front of him. His jaw hang open and he could not move at all. That was how shocked he was. This was one of the most popular Jaeger Pilots-in-training in the whole of Japan._  
  
 _When you show as much potential as Nakajima Yuto, you are bound to be as famous as celebrities. (To be honest, the pilots **are** already celebrities as far as Yamada is concerned.) Yamada knew all about him; about his struggles being the breadwinner when his parents died and left him with his younger brother, about his great skills and his drift compatibility with his brother. It was a great story. It was an inspirational story that made Yamada want to hope for something better for his future._  
  
 _Shaking out of his stupor, he stuttered, “Why- How-”_  
  
 _With an amused smile and a slight tilt of his head, he answered, “I still do get out of the Shatterdome to buy things sometimes.” He grinned and offered his hand. “Nakajima Yuto. What’s your name?”_  
  
 _“Yamada Ryosuke.” He shook the outstretched hand with his own shaky ones. “Thank you so much.”_  
  
 _“Why were they chasing you?” Yuto asked curiously. “I didn’t just help you commit some crime, did I?” He honestly looked worried about this idea, eyebrows furrowing. “Did I?”_  
  
 _With a laugh, Yamada shook his head. “That was- Uh, well,” He realized how embarrassing the situation was seconds before he said it out loud. Why would he even tell this hotshot guy, anyway? They live in different worlds and he’s going off to save the world or whatever. Yamada is just a normal guy trying to live each day properly without being killed by Kaijus or yakuza. “I didn’t do anything bad.” Technically, he didn’t. His dad did. It was not his fault he inherited the debt when his dad died in front of them a year ago. It was really not his fault he was being chased by loan sharks. “I swear.”_  
  
 _Still looking curious but seeming to let it go, Yuto said “Okay.” He nodded once, smiling brightly. “I believe you.” He crossed his arms and surveyed Yamada from head to toe. It made Yamada want to run and hide, but all he could manage was blush intensely. “I’m a great judge of character, you know? And since I think you’re a good person, I’ll treat you to lunch.”_  
  
 _Yamada blinked. “Treat me to lunch?”_  
  
 _“Yep!” Yuto replied enthusiastically. “I’m hungry and you look tired.” He shrugged as if picking people up randomly and treating them to lunch was a natural occurrence for him._  
  
 _Maybe it is. Who is Yamada to judge anyway? “Uh- Sure.” He tried to sound casual, but just ended up sounding strangled and awkward. “As long as it’s your treat.” God knows he doesn’t have a single Yen on him right now._  
  
 _Yuto grinned. “Of course.”_  
  
—  
  
Okamoto Keito, son of the Minister of Foreign Affairs, lived inside a heavily guarded mansion with a built-in underground emergency shelter. It was specifically built in the middle of Hokkaido, in a village owned by the rich and powerful; a village that has the least chance of being reached by the Kaiju when they attack.  
  
Because of this, he had never seen the sea.  
  
>Well, until last year, at least.  
  
Last year, he sneaked out of their mansion and drove his car to the beach. Stupid move, really. But to be fair, he was not attacked by any Kaiju. Instead, what he saw was a gigantic robot walking to the shore and promptly falling down on the sand. Keito was far away enough to not be affected by it, but his curiosity got the better part of him. He walked closer.  
  
And that was how Nakajima Yuto, famous Jaeger Pilot, ended up living in Keito’s house as a guest.  
  
“Why are you so against going out there?” Keito asked once Yuto was already seated on his side on the dinner table. He looked like he was dying to know the answer. “Cyclone Break is guarding the shoreline this week. No Kaiju ever even dented that Jaeger. You know that, right? It’s a Mark 3 Jaeger, the best of its kind. Dad made sure to give it lots of funding so they would help guard this island.”  
  
Yuto looked at him for a whole ten seconds before looking down at his own plate. They were eating steak today. Tender, high-class beef. The most expensive kind, he’s guessing. He sighed and did not grace that question with an answer.  
  
“I don’t understand you.” Keito said,frowning as he started cutting his piece of steak.  
  
 _Of course,_ Yuto thought to himself, _You really wouldn’t._  
  
 _—_  
  
 _Yuto smiled brightly as he watched Yamada gobble up the ramen in front of him. No matter how many times they eat out like this, he still can’t help but smile at the guy’s reaction to food. He was always just so happy to eat and he kept on making this moaning joyful sound every time he takes a bite. He looked like he was in heaven. “Easy, Yama-chan.” He chided, grinning impishly. “The noodles won’t run away from you.”_  
  
 _Scrunching up his nose and pouting, Yamada placed the chopsticks on top of his bowl and stared him down. “Every meal is important, okay? Every single drop of this was given to you by god so you have to cherish it.” He had his most righteous tone on. “Besides, with how it is right now, every meal might be our last.”_  
  
 _“That’s so pessimistic.” Yuto groaned, flicking his forehead as punishment. “If you keep saying things like that, Lady Luck would be angry at you.”_  
  
 _“Pretty sure she’s already angry at me.” Yamada shrugged and continued eating, back to making those sinfully disturbing sounds as he ate._  
  
 _“She’s not.” Yuto argued. “She brought you to us, right? Aren’t you happy working in the shatterdome?” He grinned smugly then. The fact that he was able to pull some strings to be able to admit Yamada into the Jaeger Pilot program and also to give him a technician’s job has been a source of pride for him this past few days. He was able to help Yamada, and by extension, his mother and sisters. It was nice to have their whole family liking him. (It was just nice, okay? He did not have any ulterior motives, no matter what Raiya said.)_  
  
 _Yamada looked up from slurping the last of his noodles. “I am. I’m always thankful about that.” His smile was soft around the edges, eyes filled with so much tenderness that Yuto felt warm all over just from looking at it. “You saved me and my family from those assholes, even if you didn’t have to.”_  
  
 _Yuto just shook his head. “I’m supposed to help people.”_  
  
 _“You’re supposed to kill Kaijus. Someday.” Yamada argued. With a smirk, he added “If you get accepted, that is.”_  
  
 _“No,” Yuto shook his head again, not commenting about the second part at all. They both knew he was as good as chosen already, given how high his drift compatibility with his brother was. “I’m a **hero** , after all. I help everyone.”_  
  
 _Yamada rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” He chuckled. “My hero.” He sighed dramatically. “Now, are you gonna eat that gyoza or what?”_  
  
 _“You can have it.”_  
  
 _“My hero~” Yamada repeated, smiling as he snatched it from the plate._  
  
—  
  
When Yamada finished watching over the training, the first thing he did was go back to his room to rest. It was usually tiring here, but the Marshal had been on his tail for the past few days more than usual. He knew Kazuya was just worried about him, and about Yuto. He knew that, of course. That doesn’t change the fact that it was stressful as hell to be around him, though.  
  
“Damnit.” He dropped on his bed and groaned as his muscles ached. He had been joining the training much more frequently lately too. Like how he had been checking on the repairs of Tacit Ronin like a maniac.  
  
It’s nothing. It does not mean anything.  
  
(He knew, though. He knew when he started training more. He knew when he started consulting the research team about the improvements on Tacit Ronin. It was a month ago. Exactly a year after- after…)  
  
“What the-” He rolled on his side when he felt something hard against his back. “Kazuya…” He gritted his teeth as he picked up the folder from his bed. He sat up and leaned on the wall. “I told him to shut it.” He spat out angrily, glaring daggers at the offending document. It was a file about Nakajima Yuto’s whereabouts after he disappeared roughly a year ago. It was an implied message of ‘What are you waiting for? Ask him to come back!’. Kamenashi Kazuya was a manipulative asshole who should mind his own business.  
  
Despite himself, he couldn’t help but open the folder. Curiosity and all that.  
  
 **[Last seen in:** Minister Okamoto Kenichi’s Mansion, Daisetsuzan, Hokkaido. **]**  
  
“What?” His eyebrows furrowed immediately. “Seriously?” He fell down on the bed, face-first. “Ugh,” His fists were clenched tightly at his sides as he groaned in anger and disbelief. “Yuto, what the hell?” He took several calming breaths before he sat up back to his original position leaning on the wall.  
  
Okamoto, like any of the ministers, annoyed Yamada and Yuto a lot. Everything about the ministers and all those other politicians annoyed them. They were rich, evil and too selfish. It was one of those things they talked about a lot. Being inside the Shatterdome gave them an exclusive look on the real situation, after all. They knew how the politicians built their own safety zones before thinking of the greater good. They knew where the funds came from. They knew _everything_ there is to know about those corrupt people.  
  
Why would Yuto stay there? Why would he even let himself step into _that village_?  
  
It was ridiculous.  
  
Unbelievable.  
  
And… and somehow, Yamada couldn’t taper down the anger and frustration and disbelief he was feeling.  
  
Kamenashi Kazuya was a manipulative asshole who should mind his own business. But he was also, sadly, someone who knew exactly how to rile his assistant up.  
  
—  
  
 _“He’ll melt if you stare at him too much, nii-chan.”_  
  
 _Yuto looked up to see his little brother smirking at him and holding two trays of food. “Raiya~” He greeted happily, taking one of the trays and placing it in front of him on the table. They were at the cafeteria, taking a break from training. Yamada was, to Yuto’s utmost despair, sitting at the other side of the hall with his co-workers. “I wish Yama-chan could finish working now.” He murmured, watching longingly as Yamada glanced at them and waved a hand. “He’s so busy.”_  
  
 _Raiya just chuckled, patting him on the head in a consoling manner. “He’s doing his best to make sure the higher-ups don’t think badly of you, right?” He teased. “He’s busy because of you, then.”_  
  
 _“It’s sweet, isn’t it?” Yuto asked with a goofy grin. “It’s for me!”_  
  
 _“Then don’t sulk.” Raiya reprimanded. “You’re acting like a spoiled child.”_  
  
 _Yuto narrowed his eyes at him. “ **You’re**_ the _spoiled child.”_  
  
 _“Am not.”_  
  
 _“Are too.”_  
  
 _“Am not.”_  
  
 _“Are too.”_  
  
 _“What are you, 5?” came Yamada’s voice from where he was standing just a foot away from their table now. Wow, when did that happen? He looked amused. “Can I sit here?” He asked, biting his lip to stop himself from bursting out laughing._  
  
 _Yuto nodded vigorously. “Of course, of course! You’re always welcome to sit with us!”_  
  
 _Raiya looked at Yamada with a ‘what should I do with this guy?’ face, shrugging as Yamada grinned wider. “Ryo’nii, I’ll get you something.” He stood up as soon as Yamada had settled down. “You must be tired.”_  
  
 _“No, I-” Yamada raised both hands to stop him, but Raiya was already on his way to the servers. “But you must both be tired from training…” He whined as he sat down and leaned heavily on Yuto’s side._  
  
 _“You train too.” Yuto countered. “And then you work with the technicians. You do much more than us.” He smiled fondly at Yamada, feeling proud as he added, “Besides, you’ve been rising up the ranks ever since you arrived here. You’ve been working hard.”_  
  
 _Yamada looked sheepish when he looked down. “Nah,” He shook his head a bit. “I’m just trying to catch up to you two. You had years of training before me, after all. I don’t want to be left in the dust.”_  
  
 _“Oi, oi.” Yuto chided. “What if you get so amazing that I’m the one who ends up in the dust?”_  
  
 _“Then you just have to catch up, right?” Yamada’s smile was equal parts challenging and gleeful. “For now, I’ll follow after you.”_  
  
—

“Marshal,” Yamada knocked into the room, forcing himself to calm down. “Permission to enter, sir?”  
  
After a few seconds, “Permission granted” rang from the other side. There was a clear boastful tone to it, like he knew this would happen. Well, of course he did.  
  
As soon as he entered, he dropped the folder on Kazuya’s table. “Sir, I think you misplaced a very important file inside my room. It’s _classified_.” He said with a forced polite smile. “I think you should be careful about your belongings, sir.”  
  
Kazuya just watched him with bemusement. He nodded, a placating gesture for all its worth. “I see.” He said. “You’d know so much about that, won’t you? About misplaced belongings?”  
  
 _Ah_ , Yamada thought sourly, _That’s a really smart segue._ “I don’t really misplace things.” He shot back, still smiling a professional smile. “Most of my things were stolen, before _here_. That’s why I take care of my things now. Isn’t Marshal much more adept with losing your belongings?”  
  
“ _Stolen,_ huh _.”_ The Marshal enunciated slowly. “Poor you.” He cooed. “Must be hard, having things stolen from you.” The avoidance was smooth but it was clear to the two of them anyway. They both had their own issues, after all. And this one was the Marshal’s greatest issue. The one that Yamada cannot stop poking at, lately. “If it’s stolen, you don’t run after it, then?”  
  
Yamada sighed, long suffering and tired. “Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” He asked, sitting in front of the desk. “You want me to run after Yuto and take him back, yes?”  
  
Kazuya nodded easily. That was the plan all along, obviously.  
  
“Why don’t you command me to go then?” He asked, confusion clear in his tone. He was the Marshal’s assistant so just one word from him would send him flying to Hokkaido. It was that simple. Yamada was loyal more than anything.  
  
Frowning, Kazuya opened the folder and stared at Yuto’s picture; the one with him smiling happily at the camera beside his brother. The last picture of the two together. “It’s been a year and a month since Raiya died.” He said, sadness clear in his tone and in his eyes. “I swore to Tackey that I’ll give him a year to mourn, that I’ll respect that he needs his space. I swore that I’ll let him choose whether to continue or not, like how the ex-Marshal handled my case before.” He shrugged. “I’m not supposed to convince him to come back if he doesn’t want to. I could only _ask_ him his choice.”  
  
“So you found a way around your promise.” Yamada concluded with a sigh. Of course. That does sound exactly like the Marshal. “You’re going to use me.”  
  
Kazuya raised an eyebrow at that. “You really are pessimistic, aren’t you?” He smiled. “Yuto always talked about you when we were training. Wouldn’t shut up about how great this new guy was and how he has the cutest smile and-”  
  
“Can you _please_ get to your point?” Yamada interrupted, ducking his head in embarrassment. Yuto was open about his compliments, always showering Yamada with them, but listening to someone else talk about it was much more embarrassing than with Yuto.  
  
“I’m not using you.” Kazuya said softly. “If I were, I would have given it as a command, right?” He crossed his arms, swinging side by side on the chair as he thought of how to explain it properly. “I’m… hoping for you to help. I’m betting on you, basically.” He pointed to the picture. “That guy isn’t the type to give up. He wasn’t my favorite protege for nothing. He’d come back, given some effective convincing.”  
  
“And you think I’ll be able to do that?” Yamada asked dubiously. “You were like a brother to him. I’m not sure I could- It’s not me who-”  
  
Kazuya chuckled. “Well, I don’t know what insecurities you have, but I’m about one-hundred percent sure he’ll come back with just one word.”  
  
“I really doubt that.”  
  
“Just try.”  
  
—  
  
 _Yamada liked the Shatterdome. He liked the pilots-in-training. He liked the technicians. He liked the people at the command center. He liked Marshal Takizawa. He even liked the Jaeger pilots he met briefly, like that Ohno Satoshi with his co-pilot Ninomiya Kazunari. He liked the whole place. He liked the food, too._  
  
 _And he might possibly be in love with Nakajima Yuto._  
  
 _He can’t really be blamed for that. Yuto was- Yuto took him by the hand on the hardest day of his life and gave him a meat bun. A steaming, delicious **meat bun**. And then he smiled and said ‘you’re a good guy!’, as if seeing Yamada eat was a clear testament of his goodness. AND THEN he talked to his trainers and used his name, risked his career even, to let Yamada have a job to save his family._  
  
 _Yuto took Yamada from the depths of hell and revived the fire that was so clearly dying inside him._  
  
 _Yuto was really Yamada’s savior. His hero._  
  
 _So, really, it’s not his fault. It was just expected that he’ll fall._  
  
 _Especially since Yuto didn’t stop there._  
  
 _“Yo!” As per usual, Yuto appeared on the step outside Yamada’s room as soon as he opened it at four in the afternoon. “Wanna go to training together?”_  
  
 _Yamada huffed out a laugh. “It’s literally 100 steps from here.”_  
  
 _“Woah.” Yuto gasped dramatically. “Did you count?”_  
  
 _“Not the point, Yuto.”_  
  
 _“But **did you**?” He looked curious but his tone was teasing. “I feel like this hypothesis needs to tested.”_  
  
 _Yamada rolled his eyes. “Oh. Really.” He said flatly, walking down the single step from his elevated room. “Suit yourself, then.”_  
  
 _Of course, he did. Yuto was nothing if not persistent. “85, 86…” He murmured as he walked beside Yamada._  
  
 _“So,” Yamada started, looking at Yuto’s careful stride. “How many hits did we have last time we sparred?”_  
  
 _“3-5. You were tired so I got more points.” Yuto answered diligently, before stopping on his place. “AH! What number was I on?!” He looked, horrified, at Yamada’s smug grin. “That’s cheating! You were cheating!” He puffed up his cheeks and went forward, fingers twitching in front of him as he readied for an attack. “Now I won’t know how many steps it takes!”_  
  
 _Yamada bit his lip, inching away. “We’ve got training, Yuto. You can’t-”_  
  
 _“I’m gonna tickle you until you cry.” Yuto promised, still moving forward._  
  
 _“You can’t- bwahahahaha” Yamada was cornered on a wall, tickled on each side of his waist by Yuto’s dexterous hands. “Yu- Yuto!”_  
  
 _Yuto continued his attack though, laughing shamelessly all the while._  
  
 _“No making out in the corridor!” Ryutaro shouted from where he was walking at the other side of the hallway. “Gross!”_  
  
 _—_  
  
Yuto was given free pass to stay inside the Okamoto Mansion as long as he liked, given the fact that Keito was extremely attached to him. He was allowed to mourn in peace. He was allowed to eat anything he liked. He was allowed to play the guitar and watch movies and… And do things normal people liked to do. For once in his life, Yuto was a normal human being. Not an orphan who had to work for his little brother, or a famous Jaeger Pilot who wanted to save the world.  
  
He was just normal.  
  
And it felt horrible.  
  
He _knew_ that this was not where he should be. He was not supposed to be here. He was not even supposed to be _alive_. He was not supposed to experience things that his little brother did not get to have.  
  
Keito had told him “It’s not your fault” when he heard about what happened from his parents. He said Yuto couldn’t have done anything if they were cornered. He said Yuto should live his life to the fullest to pay tribute to his little brother, to make Raiya happy that his big brother lived a happy life.  
  
It was unfair to hold on to those words as truth. But that’s what he did for a whole year.  
  
He ate delicious food and played games with Keito. Living the peaceful life he never afforded to live.  
  
And then, during the nights, he would lie on the bed and cry his heart out and ask why the hell he’s still alive. He continued asking why they had to take Raiya away from him. Why they couldn’t have killed him instead.  
  
Every day, he’d wake up, eat, entertain Keito, then go back to his mourning.  
  
Wash, rinse, repeat.  
  
——  
  
  
“Heard you were going on a trip.” Shida Mirai sidled up to his side as soon as Yamada got out of his room. “Thought maybe you need some company.”  
  
Yamada stopped on his tracks and turned towards her fully, a calculating expression on his face. “Where did you hear this and why are you asking me?” He asked, narrowing his eyes. Shida was, essentially, his closest female friend. (She was also the only female Jaeger pilot right now, ever since the three-woman team died in Manila a few months back.) Despite their initial hostility with each other when he arrived here, she grew to be a big part of his life. She was the one who picked him up and slapped some sense into him when the loss of last year became too much to bear.  
  
“Hm,” She put a hand on her chin, acting innocent. “A little bird told me.” She said. “And,” Her eyes pierced his as she continued, “I have every right to complain if you’re on a mission to break your heart. _Again._ ”  
  
He shook his head immediately. “I’m on a mission to _let go_.”  
  
She huffed out a laugh at that, but it was clearly a disbelieving scoff more than anything. “Riiight.” She drawled, looking every inch _done_ with Yamada’s everything. “Sure. Let’s pretend I believe you could do that after seeing his face again.”  
  
“I could.” He insisted. In his head, it was not a lie. He could move on. He could let go of this heavy feeling inside his chest. He could stop mourning the loss of two of his most important people. He could stop wishing that he could do something to bring Yuto back. If he _tried,_ even once, then he could tell himself to stop. He could convince himself to stop being pathetic.  
  
Her eyes softened and she pulled him into a hug. “You idiot.” She whispered to his ear, voice heavy with fondness and sadness. “If you go home crying, I’ll fly there myself and stomp on him. With my Jaeger.”  
  
That surprised a laugh out of him. “Your husband won’t let you do something that horrible.”  
  
“Well, Mikki would just just have to deal.” She said, still hugging him tightly. “No one messes with my best friend and gets away with it.”  
  
“Thanks.” He pulled off, smiling a small, grateful smile. “I won’t come home crying, I swear.”  
  
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”  
  
He just shook his head and saluted, walking the other way. It was nice, having someone that protective of him. (He was always the one being protective, of his mom, of his sisters; but then Yuto and Raiya came and became protective _of him_ , like it was normal for them to take someone into their family and accept a stranger fully. It was one of those things he could never let go of, no matter what he says. Kindness and warmth was given to him, and those are thing he could never stop being thankful for.)  
  
It was a twenty minutes walk to the helicopter that would be his ride. And when he came in, the first thing he saw was the pilot for the day. Chinen Yuri. “You have got to be kidding me. Do you even know how to fly this thing?” Yamada complained as soon as he was close enough to be heard. “I don’t need moral support or any kind of-”  
  
Chinen smirked at him from the front, hands continually moving on the control board. “I’m not exactly here for you.” He explained. “Though, I really don’t want you to panic or break down there. You’re a good asset, and your input for Tacit has been helpful.”  
  
“So, you’re here for…?” He urged.  
  
“What else?” Chinen looked at him as if he was an idiot. He liked using that look on a lot of people. “I’m here for Yuto.” He shrugged. “I miss him.” It was soft, and much too emotional to be a lie. “I just want him back.”  
  
Yamada frowned, pulling himself up to the seat. “You’ll be disappointed, then. I’m sorry in advance.”  
  
Chinen just sighed. “Yuto would take one good look at your expression, dump anything he’s doing there, and fly off to the sunset with you. This would be a quick ride.”  
  
“And you know this because you have an IQ of 170?” Yamada guessed, eyebrow rising up. It was a futile attempt to distract himself from the feeling of his hope rising. He was a pessimist, and he would very much like not to become an optimist just before his inevitable big rejection.  
  
“Maybe. My genius knows no bounds.” He answered, shrugging. Then, turning back just a bit to look Yamada in the eye, he added, “Or maybe I just know you two so much after being exposed to your back-and-forth flirting for three years.”  
  
Yamada wanted to protest, but he really had no comeback for that.  
  
  
—  
  
 _The Osaka Shatterdome was built in the 5th year of the great Kaiju War. Ever since then, they built Jaeger after Jaeger to protect Japan and the nearby countries. Tacit Ronin was their first one. Piloted by Takizawa Hideaki and Imai Tsubasa, they used the Mark 1 Jaeger against countless Kaijus and fought for many years. When they retired, they passed it to the pilots they chose as their heirs: Kamenashi Kazuya and Akanishi Jin._  
  
 _Tacit Ronin became a symbol of hope. It was the leading fighter and the strongest one they had._  
  
 _But good things don’t exactly last in a world like theirs. Something happened and Kazuya had to fight alone. Tacit Ronin was shelved and Kazuya became assistant to the Marshal. Akanishi Jin was never seen again._  
  
 _Nakajima Yuto and Nakajima Raiya then appeared into the scene, two orphans who fought side-by-side to protect each other. They were brave and smart and loyal. They were good people, the kind that could be heroes if you give them a chance. Kazuya took them in and trained them, a hope blooming inside his heart. “Maybe you could revive Tacit Ronin. You could. You would bring it to its former glory.”_  
  
 _Ten years after he said that, like a prophecy, it became true. Yuto and Raiya handled the Jaeger with ease, drove the robot faster and harder than anyone before. They were unstoppable. They killed Kaijus left and right. They were hailed to be the heroes Kazuya thought they could be. It was a wonderful time for the Shatterdome._  
  
  
 _It didn’t last long, though. In the 50th year of the Great Kaiju War, a category 4 appeared in front of Tacit Ronin._  
  
 _“Tacit Ronin is cursed” was the sentence people repeated as they watched the Jaeger fall into the ocean, and never rise back again._  
  
—  
  
Nakajima Yuto had no goal in life. He had one, before _here_. He fought hard for it, dreamed about it. He wanted nothing more than to become a hero. Because Kazuya said he could be one. Because Kazuya, the big brother he never knew he wanted, told him that he was capable of saving the world. He believed that with his whole being, just like how Raiya believed in him with his whole being.  
  
Clearly, both of them were wrong.  
  
He was no hero. Raiya should not have trusted him.  
  
He was a failure who did not deserve anyone’s trust.  
  
  
“Yuto?” Keito opened the door of his room with a tentative expression. “I think you have visitors.”  
  
—  
  
Yamada Ryosuke had a lot of goals in life. He didn’t _dream_ , but he planned. He carefully thought about his actions and how they would help him achieve success. One of his goals was to stay by Yuto’s side forever, to help him come back to the life he needed. However, after months of waiting, Yamada realized it might just be a futile dream. That maybe Yuto didn’t need the Jaeger program anymore. Maybe what he needed was space and time and not a constant reminder of what he lost.  
  
He was willing to leave that goal unchecked if that meant making Yuto comfortable.  
  
Right now though, he had another goal in mind. His goal was to slap some sense into Yuto and make sure he get out of this damn village _right now_.  
  
“You look like you want to burn down this house, Ryo-chan.” Chinen raised an eyebrow at him amusedly. He looked around at the chandelier on the ceiling and the large staircase in the middle of the lobby. “I understand the urge.” He said dryly, staring intently at the corridor where the maid disappeared earlier.  
  
“If you want to, we could probably do it without anyone knowing.” Yamada smirked. They could, really. He has been a technician in the Shatterdome for _years_ and Chinen was the head of the research department. There was a million ways to get away with arson for this kind of large place. They both knew it. “But then the Marshal would know and he’d never let us off for it.”  
  
Chinen rolled his eyes. “If we bring Yuto back, he won’t have any complaints.”  
  
Yamada couldn’t help but laugh at that.  
  
  
“Yama-chan?”  
  
His laughter was cut off when he heard that voice. He looked up sharply, and promptly felt like all the air in the room was gone. He felt like something heavy settled on his stomach. Yuto was there in front of him. Alive. Right here. And… and he didn’t really realize it until now how much he missed the guy, how much he needed to see him despite everything that happened. More than anything, he wanted to touch Yuto to make sure he was real. “Yuto…”  
  
They stared at each other for a while, both obviously holding their breath. There was surprise and wonder in their expressions. The air was filled with tension.  
  
After what felt like hours, Keito stepped in between them and politely asked Yamada “What did you need?”  
  
Chinen actually tsk-ed at his side. Yamada wanted to push at this stranger as well, feeling a strange territorial vibe that he doesn’t like at all. “We’re here to _talk_.” He said, eyes trained at Yuto. His voice was carefully blank but he knew Yuto could sense his tension. A year away from each other couldn’t possibly erase their understanding of each other’s tells, not all of it anyway.  
  
Yuto nodded. His eyes never left Yamada’s either. “Let’s go up to my room.” He said, motioning towards the corridor from which he came from. For a second, his eyes darted to Chinen. “Uh, Chii,” It looked like it was the first time he noticed the other guy.  
  
Rolling his eyes, Chinen made a shooing gesture. “Go!” He commanded. “I’m going to ask Young Master over here to tour me in this ridiculous mansion.” He showed his rare toothy grin that was purely joy and understanding. “We’ll have our dramatic reunion later, in front of the others. You have to tell them you missed me the most.” He pushed both hands forward as if willing them both to move away already.  
  
“Thanks.” Yuto smiled fondly at him. “I did miss you.” He said. He waited until Yamada was by his side before he walked down the hall.  
  
For a while, there was only quiet between the two. Too much was going on inside their heads, obviously. Yamada personally did not know where to start, or how to say any of the things he was feelings. How do you say ‘I thought you were leaving me’ without sounding clingy? How do you say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ without unraveling the ugly past they weren’t ready to talk about? How do you say ‘I think I’m just dreaming this all up’ without sounding crazy? Yamada wanted to say so much then. He also wanted to take Yuto’s hand in his, and offer the comfort he couldn’t give for the past year.  
  
But he knew Yuto was fragile and, despite knowing how to read Yuto, there was still too many things Yamada did not know about the situation. Maybe Yuto likes it here. Maybe Yuto wants to stay here. Maybe Yuto hates Yamada as much as Yamada hates himself for that awful day when all went to hell in their lives. Maybe Yamada would deserve that.  
  
Then, they were already stopping in front of a door. Yuto’s bedroom. A bigger room than the Morimoto brother’s and the Kamiki couple’s rooms combined, Yamada observed as soon as he stepped in. There was a Queen-sized bed in the middle of it, complete with fluffy blankets and pillows. Yamada can’t imagine Yuto sleeping on it. Yuto has always preferred a small room where he could snuggle with his brother. Big rooms feel empty and cold like how this one does.  
  
Yamada looked at Yuto’s profile and wondered briefly if this was one of his ways to punish himself for what happened.  
  
—  
  
Despite being in the safety of his room, Yuto still could not help but feel weak in the knees. He wondered if this was a dream; wondered if this was his mind finally giving up on the grief. Yamada Ryosuke was his safety blanket. Yama-chan being here felt like everything would be okay again.  
  
Except, he was not sure if ‘okay’ was something he really wanted. Was it something he deserved?  
  
“Why are you here?” Yuto forced himself to say when the silence became too unbearable. He sat at the corner of his bed and waited for a response. His hands were at his side, twitching as he felt conscious of how big the room was. He felt the suffocating coldness of the void, of the uncertainty between them that didn’t use to exist.  
  
Yamada looked him in the eye, determination and strength reflected in them as usual. He looked the same as Yuto remembered. He looked like he could conquer the world if he wanted to. It was one of the things Yuto would never forget about him. “I’m here to ask you to come back.” His voice wavered just a bit. Yuto wasn’t sure if it was fear or sadness. He hated not being sure about it. “If you could, if- if you would like to, we would love to have you back in the Jaeger Program.”  
  
“You-” Yuto gritted his teeth at the thought. His eyebrows furrowed as he watched Yamada’s expressions carefully. “You want me to _go back to the Jaeger?_ ” It sounded angry, disbelieving. And maybe that’s what he felt, maybe he was angry that Yamada could even think of that. Maybe he felt betrayed that Yamada, out of all people, would think Yuto could do that.  
  
Without flinching away or averting his gaze, Yamada replied, “We won’t force you to drive a Jaeger. We _hope_ you could, but we understand the circumstances.” It sounded just clinical enough and Marshal Kamenashi-like enough that Yuto was the one who flinched away. It felt like being slapped in the face.  
  
Perhaps Yamada noticed that, because he stepped forward and his whole expression softened to the one Yuto was much more acquainted with. It was the face he’d use on Yuto or Raiya when he knows they were in a rough patch. It was that soft look that opened them both up when they needed it the most. “You could go back home and just help out in the trainings. We just-” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as if bracing for something big. “ _I_ _just want you home_.”  
  
It was that broken, hopeless sound that made Yuto’s defenses crumble. Because yes, he might not deserve happiness. He might not deserve to be alive right now. But if Yamada Ryosuke wants him home, he sure as hell would go home.  
  
Besides, Raiya would hate to see Yamada cry.  
  
He surged forward to envelope Yamada in a hug. “I will. I’ll go home with you, Yama-chan.”  
  
—

 **PART TWO: The Healing**  
—  
  
After that moment of hugging and tears (it lasted half an hour, _at least_ ), there was a flurry of activities. First, Yuto had to tell Keito about leaving. It resulted to more hugging and tears, but Yuto can’t be blamed for that. This wasn’t home, far from it, but Keito was a good friend. He might be a spoiled, uninformed son of a wealthy politician, but he was good where it counted. Yuto would miss him.  
  
And then there were the maids and the butlers and everyone in the estate saying goodbye to him. They packed him a boxed lunch, and all of his clothes into a large luggage. These people were nice too. They respected him and his mourning. He liked them.  
  
Of course, there was also the need to contact Keito’s parents. Yuto was taken in by this family so it was only right to say thank you. They welcomed him into this place with open arms, and Yuto did appreciate that. That one went quickly though, since Minister Okamoto already left a video message this morning. It was basically a blanket permission to let Yuto go whenever he pleases and to tell him that he would always be welcome here. It was pretty obvious that the Marshal had talked to him (because, as usual, Kamenashi Kazuya was a sly fox).  
  
  
When all of that was done, Yuto sat beside Yamada on the helicopter and looked one last time at the mansion.  
  
“Did you like it there?” Yamada asked, sounding curious but also wary. “Living in that big mansion?”  
  
Yuto looked at him with a thoughtful expression. “It’s not… bad.” He settled on that answer, since he really was not sure of what he felt about the whole place. “The food is good.” He added, smiling at him just a bit. “You would have liked it there.”  
  
Yamada scrunched up his nose in disgust. “Ramen Stalls have my loyalty.” He replied solemnly.  
  
“Of course it does.” Yuto sighed, chuckling. “If you had your way, you’d marry the cook there.” The back and forth comments were easy. It felt nice.  
  
 _Ah,_ he thought, _this is what I was missing_.  
  
—  
  
Yamada glanced in front of them to catch Chinen grinning smugly while staring outside. He was right. _Of course_ he was right. Yamada couldn’t even remember the last time Chinen was wrong.  
  
But still, this was way too easy.  
  
Or, perhaps, it was just expected; given how Yamada begged him to come back but did not ask him to be a Jaeger pilot again. It was a shortsighted plan on his part. He was not known for shortsightedness. He did not become the assistant to the Marshal by having half-baked plans. He was better than this.  
  
He _would have been_ better than this if Nakajima Yuto was not the other end of the conversation. Shida was right about that one. (And why the hell did Yamada have so many know-it-all friends?) He could not think properly the moment he saw Yuto. He could not act like a mediator or a messenger. He was just Yamada Ryosuke. He was just a guy who wants the person he loves to come back.  
  
“How’s everything at the Shatterdome?” Yuto asked about 20 minutes into the ride. He did not really sound like he wanted to know. It felt like a polite question to get a conversation going.  
  
Yamada knew he should peel off that band-aid right now, but he was an idiot sometimes. He just saw Yuto again two hours ago after a whole year of not seeing him, so he had an excuse. “You should rest” was his answer. Gentle and sincere and too soft. Not like anything he was needed to be. “People would interrogate you when you arrive there. Rest while you can.”  
  
Chinen let out an audible disappointed sigh as Yuto nodded. “We’ll be there in about thirty minutes.” Chinen said.  
  
—  
  
“Shatterdome” was what the Jaeger Program’s base of operation was called. Every country with their own defense force had one. Japan’s Shatterdome was located in Osaka. During the 50th year of the Great Kaiju War, there were four working Jaegers:  
  
 **Tacit Ronin** \- Piloted by the Nakajima brothers Yuto and Raiya  
 **Destroyer Rikishi** \- Piloted by the childhood friends trio Ayano Omoto, Yuka Kashino and Ayaka Nishiwaki (Nocchi, Kashiyuka and Acchan; as they were called.)  
 **Slayer Sakura** \- Piloted by the Husband and Wife Kamiki Ryunosuke and Shida Mirai  
 **Cyclone Break** \- Piloted by the Morimoto Brothers Ryutaro and Shintaro  
  
Now, there were only three. Plus, Destroyer Rikishi was now piloted by another childhood friends trio Yaotome Hikaru, Yabu Kota and Inoo Kei. In the span of a year, the Shatterdome lost two sets of their most important pilots.  
  
It was war, after all. Loss was expected. Death was always waiting at their door.  
  
—  
  
Everyone in the Osaka Shatterdome knew Nakajima Yuto. He was legendary in that tragic way only spoken about in hushed whispers. But he was also famous because of one other thing: he grew up here in the Shatterdome. He was like a son to ex-Marshal Takizawa and a little brother to Marshal Kamenashi. The technicians adored him and watched him grow up. The instructors were his playmates. Everyone knew him because he knew everyone. (He and Raiya both did.)  
  
So, as expected, he was welcomed as a beloved veteran. He was welcomed in with great big hugs and promises of catching up again.  
  
It was so different from what Yuto imagined. Hikaru, Yabu and Inoo enveloped him in a tight group hug. Shida hit him on the head and said “took you too long” while her husband sobbed “Yuto~” happily at her side. Chinen made a scene by hugging him in front of everyone and asking “who did you miss the most?” (to which he answered “you, of course” because he loved Chinen with all his heart and wanted his crazy ego tripping to work).  
  
Everything was warm and _good_ in a way he never thought was possible.  
  
Deep inside, he wondered if it was all just pity. Kindness, maybe. Because he grew up here, because they knew who he _really_ missed more than anyone, because they knew who his most important person was… Perhaps they were letting him off easy. The Marshal gave him a year to mourn, but they all knew the shadow of death never leaves you.  
  
  
  
“Mmmm~” Yuto wiped a few stray tears from his cheeks and sniffed at the air, eyes darting towards the door of the cafeteria. The steel door still looked the same, just like everything else here. Even the temperature and overall warmth of being here has not changed. He was not sure if it was because geniuses like Chinen kept the place as homey as possible, or because it _was_ his home. “Did you-?” He looked at his side to see Yamada sniffing the air as well. It was the kind of silly thing they always did when they walked through this corridor.  
  
Yamada’s expression of clinical detachment melted into pure mouth watering for just a second before he caught himself. He frowned at the door.  
  
Yuto could not really blame him. There was the distinct smell of beef roasting from the cafeteria. It was not like the expensive smell from the Okamoto estate. It was cheap and oily and the best kind there is. “You didn’t know?” He asked.  
  
“No.” Yamada narrowed his eyes. “Marshal spent money on unnecessary things again, that idiot.” His voice was low and annoyed.  
  
“Hey!” Yuto poked him on the side. “My homecoming party is necessary!”  
  
Yamada raised an eyebrow at that. “No, it’s not.” He walked ahead. “You’ll be happy to just eat with everyone.”  
  
A huge smile appeared on Yuto’s face then. “You know me so well!” He exclaimed, running after him and jumping on his back.  
  
“Oi! Oi!” Yamada shook his body to dislodge him. “You’re _heavy!_ ”  
  
To their surprise, the cafeteria door opened and Ryutaro stepped out with a pinched expression. “No making out on the lobby! Gross!” He exclaimed. He then smiled warmly. “Welcome back, Yuto.”  
  
“I’m home.”  
  
  
  
Things fell into place after that. Yuto helped in the lessons with the pilots-in-training. He helped in the technicians’ small, menial jobs. He talked to people who needed someone to talk to. It was… different from what the others expected of him, but no one complained. They let him assimilate into the system in the only way he could.  
  
Yuto stayed in the right-wing of the Shatterdome, in the rooms beside the maintenance people. It was the opposite side of the hangar where the Jaegers were kept. Yamada’s room was exactly beside the hangar. (And so, contrary to traditions, Yamada went to the training room to see Yuto already there. No more rendezvous at Yamada’s doorstep.)  
  
The Marshal kept quiet through all of it, perhaps disappointed, or maybe he was planning his next move.  
  
  
Nakajima Yuto’s life did not exactly feel right, but it felt like a life he could appreciate. It felt like he was at least half the man he could have become if the events of last year didn’t happen.  
  
—  
  
 _“I’m scared…” Raiya had said, eyes wide as Raiju rushed towards them in a burst of power. It was the fastest Kaiju to date, a force they probably could not fight right now. “Onii-chan…” The younger boy was filled with fear and thoughts of death._  
  
 _Yuto saw all of it inside his head, but he refused to give up. “Trust me.” He said, smiling widely. “Just trust me.” And he forced himself to think positive thoughts that would keep his brother be at ease. “Trust your big brother.”_  
  
 _His fear receded just like that. Memories of Yuto protecting him from bullies back when they were children filled his mind. Shared memories of the suffering they weathered together. “Let’s do this!” He nodded, sounding much more confident. “Let’s kick some-”_  
  
 _And then he was screaming as the Raiju punctured through their armor. It wasn’t supposed to yield that easily._  
  
 _“Command Center, report!” Yuto shouted as they tried to jump away from the claws digging into them. “Report!”_  
  
 _“It’s the first Category 4.” Daiki was the one in duty today. There was an obvious fear in his tone when he announced what it was. The first Category 4. The strongest Kaiju to date. “Codename Raiju. It’s fast but not heavy. Has toxins on its claws.” His voice was carefully flat and calm as he explained, but he faltered when he asked “Do you want to-”_  
  
 ** _Retreat_** _. That was what they wanted them to do. But Nakajima Yuto cannot be a hero if he would run away from bigger enemies. “We’ll do this, right Raiya?”_  
  
 _Raiya was trying hard not to panic. It was obvious how he was clinging into Yuto’s positivity. “Yep.” He said, arching his arm back to slam into the monster. “Nii-chan’s got this.”_  
  
—  
  
But they were _at war_. No matter how many times Yuto tried to stop those thoughts, he could not run away from the truth. The world was at war with the monsters and the Jaegers were the only line of defense they had.  
  
Every time he saw Kamiki injured, or Shintaro limping into the cafeteria, he was reminded of how much they were staking for the country.  
  
With a heavyhearted sigh, he steeled his nerves. It has been a month since he came back, with no change at all in regards to everyone’s treatment. There was still kindness and acceptance. Too much of it was suffocating though. He wanted someone to shout at him, to tell him he should have died instead of his brother. He wanted someone to tell him how useless he was in this war.  
  
He knew exactly who to ask.  
  
  
  
Shida Mirai was alone in her usual table in the cafeteria. Kamiki was still nursing the wounds from last week. She was eating more than usual too; one more serving of rice and two more pieces of chicken than usual. It was either her way of nursing her own wounds or coping with the idea of her husband still recuperating from injuries.  
  
“Hey.” Yuto dropped his tray down in front of her. “Um,” He really wasn’t sure what to say.  
  
“Sit.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “I don’t bite.” She added with a huff.  
  
“Yeah, I’m not sure about that.” Yuto said uneasily, sitting down. He scratched the back of his neck and took a deep breath. “But I guess that’s why I went to you.”  
  
Now both her eyebrows were up in curiosity. “If you’re asking to be bitten, I’m sorry, I’m married?” She raised her right hand and wiggled her ring finger. “Pretty sure the world will kill you if they found out you hit on me, by the way. Me and Mikki are like the couple of the century.”  
  
He laughed at that. “No, no!” He shook his head. “I’m- I wanted to ask you for your honest opinion.”  
  
That simple sentence made her close off immediately. She brought her hand down to her spoon and shoveled rice to her mouth, as if that would stop any possibility of her talking. Her eyes darted from his serious expression to the surrounding tables. She looked like she wanted to run away. It has been a while since Yuto saw this kind of Shida.  
  
“I just want to ask about-”  
  
“Nope!” Shida swallowed her food and glared at him. “You’re not putting this on me. You’re not-” She bit her lip and looked at her plate. “Yama-chan would hate me if I do anything.” She looked up and stared into his eyes sincerely. “I can’t afford to have my best friend hate me.”  
  
Yuto took another deep breath. “Here’s the deal, okay? I need someone to tell me the truth. I’m so tired of all this lying.” He started, leaning forward. “Everyone is acting like I did no wrong. And they’re acting like they’re fine with my decisions.”  
  
“They _are_.” She replied. “That’s the thing when you care about someone, Yuto. You accept them for who they are and understand their choices.”  
  
“But- But it was my fault-”  
  
“Okay, hold up.” She sighed resignedly. “You want my honest opinion?” She narrowed her eyes at him. It was the Shida he knew best: the blunt girl who would tell you exactly what she was thinking. “I think you are stupid if you believe we don’t see how much you want to go back to the field. I think you’re delusional if you think we don’t see everything you’re feeling. Yuto, you’re an open book for us. You grew up _with us_.  
  
“And if you think we’re being kind just because we love you?” She raised an eyebrow challengingly. “You don’t know us anymore, then. We’re at war, Nakajima Yuto. We’re war babies and you know we don’t take this fight lightly. If we’re benching you, that’s because you’re not ready for the heat yet.”  
  
Yuto sat back, feeling oddly defeated. That was not what he expected at all. He was too busy thinking about his own sadness that he forgot just who these people are. They were his family, yes. But family didn’t mean coddling you when you’re down. They were waiting it out for him. Family meant trust and respect.  
  
“Honestly, I’m not sure what Yama-chan sees in you.” Shida continued. “But he believes in you, okay? He said if you wanted to, you could come back any time. He _looks up_ to you.”  
  
“Yeah, I-” He suddenly wanted to see Yamada, to thank him or tell him that he’ll try better now. “I should find him.”  
  
“Go for it, lover boy.”  
  
  
  
  
It was Yamada’s session with the pilots-in-training. Hikaru, Yabu and Inoo were lounging at the side of the dojo while eyeing the trainees. Hikaru had his head on Yabu’s shoulder while Inoo was blatantly curled on the floor with his head on Hikaru’s lap. Yabu had his right arm around Hikaru’s back, his hand resting on Inoo’s arm. Yuto forgot how clingy those guys are.  
  
“Hey,” He said, smiling amiably as he sat beside Yabu. “Training done?”  
  
Yabu looked at him for a second before going back to staring at Yamada’s stance. “Nah, we don’t have one today. Hika injured his elbow and Kei has a sprained ankle.”  
  
So, the snuggling was probably not just their usual. Yuto remembered how he would curl up beside his brother and hug him until he complained every time any of them got injured. Life and death situations tend to make you touchy. He always surprised Yamada by tackling him after he got home from any mission. It was… it was a necessary thing to do. A reminder that you’re still alive.  
  
Tamping down on unnecessary memories, he brought his gaze back to Yamada. The man was sparring with one of the older trainees, circling around him while reading his moves. His back was tense and it was obvious that he would attack any minute now. There was tension around as they read each other for one more second before Yamada rushed in for an attack.  
  
The trainee was on his back on the ground the next second.  
  
Yabu whistled appreciatively. “Atta boy.” He muttered.  
  
“He’s too good not to be a pilot.” Hikaru commented offhandedly, combing his hand through Inoo’s hair as he watched. Yabu elbowed him and made a noise of disapproval. “What?” He asked, eyebrows furrowing. His gaze then landed on Yuto and his face immediately became apologetic. “Sorry.”  
  
Yuto blinked. “What?”  
  
“Don’t mind them.” Inoo spoke for the first time. “They’re being idiots.” His voice was filled with fondness as he pinched Hikaru’s thigh. “Are you going to talk to Yama-chan after this? Or would you spar with him?”  
  
“Both, I guess.” Yuto shrugged. “It’s been a while since we sparred.”  
  
“I’m-” Yabu looked at him with a deep frown, concern etched in his expression. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
  
Inoo pinched his thigh this time. “Let him be.”  
  
“But I don’t want them to be-”  
  
“They can make their own choices, Kou-chan.” Inoo said sternly, eyes still set on Yamada’s fight. “Let them make their own mistakes.” He sat up, pushing himself off Hikaru with the help of Hikaru’s uninjured arm. He eyed the two and raised a hand daintily, like a princess asking to be lifted. Which is exactly what he was asking, actually.  
  
The two looked at each other and sighed simultaneously. “Yes, princess.” Yabu drawled, taking his hand just as Hikaru put an arm around his waist. They both helped him stand up just like that.  
  
Before walking away, Inoo looked at Yuto meaningfully and said “Sparring is like dancing, all right?” Yabu smiled weakly and added “Don’t make your dance partner cry.”  
  
  
  
Sparring was dancing. That was a lesson taught to the trainees all the time. You don’t fight your sparring partner to hurt them, you fight them to make a dialogue with them. It was a conversation. It was a back-and-forth. A dance.  
  
As soon as the trainees were gone, Yamada stood in the middle of the dojo and took a deep breath. He faced Yuto and nodded; a permission, their own version of ‘may I take this dance?’. Yuto stepped forward, shaking his limbs as a way of waking up his senses. It has been a while, after all.  
  
Stopping just a few feet away from Yamada, Yuto bowed down low. The start. Take your positions. Hold your stance.  
  
There was no words necessary. Just actions. Just their bodies flowing to a shared rhythm they both hear. Yuto raised his fist just as Yamada crouched down. Yuto kicked with his left leg, Yamada blocked with his right arm. A dance. A back and forth dialogue.  
  
Yuto feinted to the left, before capturing Yamada’s arm and twisting it to his back. “One-zero.” He let go with a smug grin.  
  
Yamada smirked back and punched with his right arm, letting Yuto block it to distract him from his strong left kick. Yuto fell down on his knees. “One-one.”  
  
They continued like that. The rhythm was constant, never wavering. They both knew what it meant, but it wasn’t really something they spoke out loud about.  
  
“Four-five.” Yamada had Yuto on a headlock, both of them on the floor, panting and sweaty from fighting. “You did well.”  
  
Yuto huffed out a laugh, pushing him away and lying on the floor like a starfish. “Only because it was with you.” He said teasingly, despite the fact that it was true. That kind of sparring can only be seen on one kind of pair. They had always been that. _Drift compatible_.  
  
—  
  
Immediately after that glorious sparring session, Yamada walked to the Marshal’s office. There were things he wanted to know about. Talking to the only other person who has drifted alone feels like the right kind of step to take to get closer to Yuto’s psyche.  
  
“Permission to enter, sir.”  
  
There was an actual huff of laughter before the Marshal opened the door himself. “Come in, Yama-chan.”  
  
Yamada narrowed his eyes. “You knew I was coming?” He asked suspiciously. The Marshal’s glee was always a prelude to Yamada’s troubles.  
  
“Shida-chan was here a few minutes ago. She said you might come in to ask a few questions.” He laughed again. “That girl’s gonna be one scary mom.” He shook his head fondly before walking over to his office chair. He sat down and wiggled his eyebrows at his assistant. “So how may I help you?”  
  
“I want to know why you drove alone that one time. How were you able to?”  
  
Kazuya blinked. “Okay, that was really blunt.” He sighed. “How will it help anyone? It’s not like it would happen again. I’m making sure of that.”  
  
“Why were you alone?” Yamada repeated. Sometimes repetition tires people down into submission. He walked to the edge of the table without taking his eyes off the Marshal. “I just want to know how it could happen and what Yuto felt.”  
  
Kazuya shook his head. “It’s a different case.” His eyes didn’t betray much emotion, nor did his voice. Every action looked carefully controlled. “My co-pilot didn’t die. He left me.” Blank expression. Minimal movement. No inflection. “Jin wanted an out. I gave him one. The very same day, Sendai was attacked and I was the only one who could protect them. I drove Tacit Ronin through sheer willpower. And then, the stress was too much that I almost got into a coma after killing the Jaeger.”  
  
He smiled wryly. “So, really, it’s different.” For a moment, there was sadness in his eyes. “Raiya died while he was inside Yuto’s head. There are… there are deeper reasons for Yuto’s sadness.” With a sigh, he continued, “My co-pilot ran away from me. Yuto’s brother was _stolen_ from him, never to come back.”  
  
Yamada was speechless for all of two seconds before he recomposed himself. “Then what should I do? I can’t replace his brother. No one can fill that void.”  
  
“Maybe.” He nodded. “But you don’t have to replace Raiya to have a place in Yuto’s heart. He came back for you, didn’t he?”  
  
“Asking him to drive a Jaeger would be too much.” Yamada complained, gritting his teeth.  
  
“Then start small. Ask him to open his heart.”  
  
—  
  
The plan was simple. Coerce Yuto into as much sparring session as he can. Make him realize how compatible they still are. Slip Jaeger talks slowly into conversations.  
  
It was easy. Yamada had patience. He had lots of it.  
  
He also had help from most people in the Shatterdome. Shida was more than happy to do the heavy prodding. Chinen was willing to ‘accidentally drop’ some of the Tacit Ronin’s blueprints when he sees Yuto. Ryutaro and Shintaro sat with Yuto during lunch to ask him advice.  
  
Everything was going according to plan.  
  
—  
  
It was after one sparring session that he saw the scars.  
  
“That’s…” Yamada looked up from where he was slumped against the wall to see Yuto walking in. Shirtless. “ _Wow_.”  
  
Yuto blinked. “I know my muscles are great.” He laughed. “No need to be so awed by it!”  
  
Yamada chucked his shoe at Yuto’s direction. “Shut up.” He shook his head fondly at him before pointing at the dark scars along his torso. It enveloped his whole upper body like tendrils. “Marshal has those too. Yours looks…” _Better._ Then again, he has a biased opinion of that, maybe. “It looks similar.”  
  
“Oh.” Yuto looked down as if it was his first time noticing the scars as well. “This was-” He let out a cheerless chuckle. “Scars from driving a Jaeger alone.”  
  
“ _Oh_.” Yamada bit his lower lip, unsure of how to react to that. He could not imagine how Yuto felt every time he saw that in a mirror. A painful reminder etched into his skin. “Marshal’s looks stupid” was what he ended up saying. “ _Really_ stupid.”  
  
Yuto graced him with a small, grateful smile. “Mine is sexy, isn’t it?”  
  
“You wish.” Yamada stuck out his tongue. “You still look like a twig to me.”  
  
They laughed together, and it made him feel better than he’s felt for a long time.  
  
—  
  
When it was good enough, when their sparring sessions became so beautiful that the other Jaeger pilots started watching, when Chinen didn’t have to drop the blueprints to talk about Tacit, Yamada decided to pop the question.  
  
“Would you like to try again?” He asked. “The Jaeger program.”  
  
Yuto was startled into stopping. They were on their way to Yamada’s room to rest. (Well, Yamada was. Yuto was just walking him to his door. For some reason.) “Oh.” He furrowed his eyebrows, looking down. “I- I thought Shida would have told you already.” He sighed and looked him in the eye, a newfound determination in his face. “I think we should try. We’re good, right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Yamada nodded. “We’re ready.”  
  
—  
  
Yamada has never been so wrong in his life.  
  
He and Yuto trained for the test as much as they can, and they spent time together like they had before. They ate together, visited each other’s rooms, sparred with each other. It was the whole co-pilot thing everyone else did.  
  
They were naive to think that was enough.  
  
With the two of them inside the cockpit of Tacit, it felt right to just look at each other and smile. They nodded once and wore their helmets. No words needed to be spoken. They would be inside each other’s minds anyway. They would see each other in the drift, in their pool of memories.  
  
It was alright at first. Childhood memories. Memories of their dead parents. Memories inside the Shatterdome. Snapshots of the two of them together. It felt like a wave, a light burst of water enveloping them both.  
  
But then came Raiya’s memories.  
  
 _Raiya’s first time meeting Yamada._  
  
 _Raiya saying “Nii-chan!” while following them both._  
  
 _Raiya smiling widely as he watched them both eat._  
  
 _Raiya talking to Yamada before their battle with Raiju._  
  
 _Raiya screaming for help, hands outstretched towards Yuto as the Kaiju clawed through Tacit Ronin’s heart._  
  
 _Raiya’s echoing sobs as he slowly died, mind still connected to his brother._  
  
Yamada woke up in the clinic, feeling like his head was split into two.  
  
—

The neural handshake was a failure beyond anything. Yuto’s mind shut down just 5 minutes of being inside the drift. He chased a memory, tried to keep Raiya safe inside his head. It was a disaster.  
  
Yamada was bleeding when Chinen cut off all power to salvage them.  
  
“It’s my fault.” Yuto said, head resting on his knees. He was sitting on the floor of the Research division, watching as Chinen analyzed the data from the last test. “I shouldn’t have even-” He hit his head on his knee repeatedly. “I shouldn’t have come back again.”  
  
“Stop being an idiot.” Chinen groaned. He stopped typing to give his full attention to Yuto. “It was his choice to be your partner. You were both a bit unstable the moment you went into the drift. It happens, okay? Just talk it out with him.” He frowned. “Ugh, I’m not good with this kind of things.”  
  
Yuto went back to hitting his head on his knee. “My fault…”  
  
Eye twitching in annoyance, Chinen stood up and pulled Yuto’s arm to make him stand up. “I’m the Research Guy for a reason, Yuto. I’m not here to give you emotional advice. I’m here to tell you what Tacit Ronin did.” He placed both of his hands on either of Yuto’s shoulders. “And according to it, Yamada was the first one to stop and chase a memory. It triggered you to chase a similar one. You were _both_ unstable, you get me?” He patted his shoulders and stepped back. “That means you need to talk to him _why_. You need to figure out what happened.”  
  
—  
  
 _Nakajima Raiya was the little brother Yamada never had. He was sweet and caring and he listened well to Yamada’s problems. He also looked up to Yamada and asked him for advice. They were practically brothers by the time Yuto and Raiya were chosen for Tacit Ronin. The things he could not tell his brother, those that he knows are too obscure to be noticed in the drift, he talked about to Yamada._  
  
 _So, just like usual, that day a year ago, Raiya approached Yamada with a request._  
  
 _“Can you- Can you be my brother’s co-pilot today?” Raiya’s face was not like usual. He looked sad and tired. His voice was subdued. That should have made Yamada say yes immediately._  
  
 _“But **you’re** his co-pilot. I’m not supposed to take-over unless it’s an emergency.” Yamada replied in confusion. He was the type to always follow the rules. Besides, he was also not ready to ride a Jaeger without any test drives. It was a scary thought. Raiya would not ask something like this out of the blue, though. His expression turned into concern when he asked, “Are you sick?”_  
  
 _“It’s-” Raiya looked down and in a small voice said, “It’s nothing.” He shrugged. “I was just feeling a bit down.” He explained. He offered a small smile before turning his back on the older boy._  
  
 _Yamada watched him go with his shoulder slumped down._  
  
 _That was the last time he ever saw Raiya._  
  
—  
  
The clinic was empty other than the nurse, so Yamada easily connected the dots. He was the weak link between the two of them, and he was the one who collapsed just from a test neural handshake. He ran after the first image of Raiya he saw, as if he could save the younger man, as if he could save both brothers this time around.  
  
Until now, he could still hear Raiya’s sobs inside his head. He could feel the rush of sorrow that Yuto felt.  
  
He wanted to be alone. He wanted to think all of these through.  
  
But then, just a few minutes later, the alarm sounded. _A Kaiju attack_.  
  
He was tired, mildly injured, and emotionally spent. But he was, first and foremost, the assistant of the Marshal. He needed to do his duty. Taking three deep breaths, he unlocked the door and rushed to the hangar where people were already gathering. Slayer Sakura and Cyclone Break were both being dispatched. He reacted quickly and rushed to the Command Center.  
  
  
Marshal Kamenashi was already waiting. He looked at Yamada briefly and nodded before directing his attention back to the task at hand. “Daiki, what’s the signal?” The technician clicked some buttons and swiped at the screen to show everyone the data from the breech. “A category… four?”  
  
“Yes, sir.” Daiki nodded, tone grave. He was the one who was in charge during last year’s Category Four attack too. His face paled as he read the data. “Codename _Otachi_. One of the largest kaijus to date. It fights mainly with its tail and it walks on all fours.” He gulped.  
  
“Did you hear that?” Marshal said out loud, looking at the speakers on the desk.  
  
Shida’s voice came a second later. “Loud and clear, sir.” They were approaching the target. “We’re going in first.” There wasn’t any fear in her voice. Just confidence and determination. “Are the kiddos staying at the coastline?”  
  
“Cyclone Break will stay along the coastline to defend the nearest city.” Marshal commanded, watching as Daiki switched the communication channels. “Morimoto brothers, do you copy?”  
  
“Aye, aye, sir!” came Ryutaro’s voice. “Defense of the city. On it.”  
  
The hardest part of being in the command center was that you do not really have any grasp of what is happening outside. You could hear their voices, you could read the data, you could see their general location in relation to the Kaiju, but you could not see exactly what was happening. You could not see how they fight, or how they really are faring.  
  
Yamada watched as Cyclone Break stopped at the coastline and as Slayer Sakura moved rapidly towards Otachi. The pink dot indicating Slayer moved on a straight line. Their plasma canons were being charged, always ready for an attack. Otachi was large and had smaller limbs compared to other Kaiju, so it was expected to be slow.  
  
“Target not visible!” Shida called out. “Target-” There was a loud crash.  
  
Then multiple canons firing at rapid interval. They could hear the howl of the Kaiju as it got hit.  
  
“Keep firing!” Daiki exclaimed to his own microphone. “Kaiju signal has not been extinguished. I repeat, Kaiju signal has not been extinguished.” He was careful. Always careful to remind the pilots to kill with certainty.  
  
“Roger.” Shida’s voice came out harsher, harder, like she was having a hard time answering.  
  
 **The left arm’s plasma canon got dislodged. Performance of Slayer Sakura down to 80%.**  
  
Yamada watched as the pink dot and the black dot overlapped.  
  
 **Left leg took some damage. Performance down to 75%.**  
  
“We’re coming in.” Ryutaro’s voice rang from one end. “We’re gonna-”  
  
“Stay.” Marshal commanded in his most forceful tone. “Stand your ground.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“We’re-” Shida sounded like she was having trouble breathing. “We can handle this.” Despite everything, she still sounded strong. “You kids stay back and do your damn job.”  
  
Another round of canon shots firing into the Kaiju’s hard body.  
  
“The back is too hard…” Shida panted. There was a gurgle in the end. Yamada felt cold all over as he realized she must have blood in her mouth right now. She was speaking through the pain to make sure they get the information to the others. “The tail’s pretty fast. Your best bet is the stomach, eyes and when it opens its mouth.” **Right leg received damage. Mobility greatly affected. Performance down to 60%.** “Make sure you use your canon at the strongest level.”  
  
“Oi, old lady!” Ryutaro shouted, sounding anguished. “I thought you’d handle it! Don’t say crap like that!”  
  
Something was crushing the hull of Slayer. **Protective shield damaged. Performance down to 50%.**  
  
“Fuck!” Cyclone Break surged forward without missing a beat. “We’re coming in!” The green dot moved an alarming speed, much more faster than usual. No one spoke though. No one asked them to slow down or calm down. Everyone was just hoping they’d get there in time.  
  
 **Oxygen chamber punctured. Oxygen level 60%. Performance down to 40%.**  
  
Cyclone finally reached the target, using its speed to barrel towards the Kaiju. The green and the black dot swerved off the pink dot by a fair distance.  
  
“Slayer, retreat!” Daiki shouted, voice high-pitched and so full of fear. “ _Please_ , retreat. Cyclone can-”  
  
Marshal placed a strong hand on his shoulder to stop him from speaking. “Slayer, can you retreat on your own?”  
  
There was a coughing fit, a wet sound that was clearly more blood than anything. “We would like to help Cyclone, sir.” It was Kamiki. Shida was bad enough that she _could not speak_. “If we held on to him while going down, it would be easy for Cyclone to strike.”  
  
Daiki stood up in alarm, eyes darting over to the oxygen gauge and then to the Marshal’s face. “Sir, that’s suicide!”  
  
“We…” Kamiki never hesitated. Never. “We are willing to take the risk, sir.” He sounded so sure. Yamada could imagine Shida nodding at him encouragingly. They were doing this together.  
  
“It’s not a _risk!_ ” Daiki exclaimed, eyes wide. “It’s _suicide!_ ”  
  
“You’ll die.” It was out of Yamada’s mouth before he could think about it. The words were choked out of his lungs as tears fell from his eyes. “If you do that, you’ll die.” The green dot was still wrestling with Otachi. It was not making much progress, but they were still at 95% performance. Slayer Sakura knew that this was the best chance they could get.  
  
Yamada’s mind knew the logistics of it, knew the high probability of success, but his heart clenched in fear and despair. “Don’t.” He uttered, walking closer to the microphone. “Ryu can- Ryu would-”  
  
“Marshal?” Kamiki’s voice was just as rough as Yamada’s. “Command?” There was a slight tremor in the simple word, the first sign of fear on him. But he never backed down from a challenge. The two never did.  
  
“Execute the plan.” Marshal held Yamada back as he fought for the microphone. Even Daiki was having a hard time moving. Yamada shook and fell down as he was overwhelmed by sobs.  
  
In a shaky voice, Daiki said “On your one o’clock, circle it and take hold of its hind legs. Your oxygen level is at 50%, Slayer.”  
  
“Roger.” It was Shida this time, voice raspy and too soft. “ _Thanks_.”  
  
The pink dot moved in the right direction, coming in opposite of the Cyclone as they both slammed at the black dot at the same time. There were multiple sounds of canons again.  
  
And then, silence. The black dot disappeared.  
  
So did the pink dot.  
  
—  
  
Shida Mirai and Kamiki Ryunosuke were dead. The Marshal just finished calling the Navy to help retrieve their bodies. They were now just corpses in the sea.  
  
But there was no time for mourning. Or to be exact, no time to mourn someone specific. It was _always_ a time of mourning in the Shatterdome. Too many people have died in this place. There was always someone to mourn. _Death was always at their doorstep_. All they could do was move on and live their lives to make sure less people die.  
  
And that’s when it all clicked to Yamada. That’s when he decided to storm off and go to Yuto’s room.  
  
Yuto opened the door slowly, eyes going wide as he saw who it was.  
  
“Shida’s _dead_.” He was not sure why it was the first thing he said. It was just the truth. Just the awful, hurtful truth. “My best friend is _gone_ now.” His eyes were still red and swollen from crying a few hours ago. His voice was still raspy. “Shida’s dead and Kamiki is dead and the Morimoto brothers almost died out there today.” He stepped in without being prompted, crowding in towards the other man when he stepped back. “And a few months ago, three Jaeger pilots died. A year ago, _Raiya did._ ” He sniffed, breathing becoming labored. “People we love are dying left and right, Yuto. And I don’t know what to do, okay? All I know is that if we don’t stand up right now and fix ourselves up, Yabu might die tomorrow. Hikaru, Inoo, _everyone we love could die soon_.”  
  
“We tried already” was Yuto’s weak response. He looked down at Yamada’s tear-stained face and _glared_. “We _tried_ and we were too messed up to drive Tacit!” He looked angry now too, as if Yamada’s anger got to him. “Do you think I _wanted_ to mess up? Do you think I don’t want to help? It wasn’t _my_ choice! I don’t want anyone to die anymore! If we go there, if we- If I let you become my co-pilot, _you’ll die._ ” He clenched his fists at his side. “If we go there and we’re not ready, if we’re not 100% sure, you’ll just die like how Raiya did.”  
  
Yamada gritted his teeth and stared at him, reading into his actions and his words repeatedly. “Then we just have to _try harder_!” He stepped closer, intent on getting his point across. “You’re not the only one who lost someone, Yuto. Shida was my _sister_. And _I_ lost Raiya too.” He refused to let more tears fall. “We just have to try harder!  
  
“What happened there? You saw what I was thinking, right? You were in my mind. You know it was my fault. I- I chased after Raiya’s image.” He faltered at the memory of Raiya’s back walking away from him, at the memory of his sobs while he died. But there was no time for that. “I’ll try harder, okay? Give _us_ a chance.”  
  
Yuto walked back until he hit the foot of his bed. He sat down and looked down, shaking his head. “Yama-chan, I don’t-” He took a long, shuddering breath. “I’ll just _kill_ you like how I killed Raiya.” He said quietly, brokenly, for the first time since the incident. “I killed him, okay? I was the one who killed him.”  
  
“What-” All the fight fizzled out of Yamada. He knelt on the floor and looked Yuto in the eye. “You didn’t kill him. Raiju did.” He placed a hand on Yuto’s shaking ones. “That was not your fault.”  
  
“It was.” Yuto’s eyes were so full of surety. He believed in this with his whole heart. He killed his brother and he does not have any right to do any of this anymore. “I dominated our thoughts, gave him too much pressure. He was uneasy but I was too busy being a stupid _hero_ to be a proper _big brother_.”  
  
Yamada tightened his grip on Yuto’s hands. “You saw, didn’t you? You know he talked to me. I faltered in that memory. That’s when we both became unstable.” This was his first time talking about this, about this feeling of guilt he carefully kept in the corner of his mind. “Raiya wanted me to take-over for a day. He was _asking_ for my help. He talked to me and I should have listened. For a long time, I thought it was supposed to be me who died that day.”  
  
Giving his own confession felt right. Baring his soul was the only thing he could do. He just hoped Yuto would do the same.  
  
Yuto shook his head immediately, eyes wide. “You don’t understand.” He whispered in distress. “It was obvious. I should have known. That day…” He looked down at their hands, his own still shaking under Yamada’s. “It was our parent’s death anniversary.”  
  
Yamada gaped at him, unable to formulate a response to that. _What…?_  
  
“Raiya was uneasy because he kept remembering our parents.” He refused to look Yamada in the eyes. “I always had them in my mind. I thought… I thought it was my own memories mingling with his. We’ve been drifting together for too long that I didn’t know it was his memories. He wasn’t in his best condition to fight. And I forced him to… I said to believe in me, even if he shouldn’t have.” His fists were clenched so tightly that it was shaking with tension. “It was our parent’s death anniversary and now it’s _his_ too.”  
  
“Oh god,” Yamada pulled his hand and moved closer to put his arms around Yuto. “You-” He guided Yuto’s head to his shoulder, offering the only comfort he could give. He couldn’t even imagine how this big a burden felt. How long was he hiding this from everyone? How long has he been blaming himself for this?  
  
“His death still isn’t your fault, okay?” He whispered soothingly, rubbing his hand up and down Yuto’s back. He believed in it too. With all his heart. The Kaijus were at fault. The Jaeger pilots always did what they had to do. “Raiju was the first Category Four we had. You didn’t know it would happen. He believed in you because he loved you, Yuto. He won’t blame you for this.”  
  
Yuto was shaking so badly. He unclenched his hands and returned the hug just as fiercely. He burrowed his head on Yamada’s neck, tears staining Yamada’s collar. “He wouldn’t, because he’s a good kid. But he should.”  
  
“Maybe.” Yamada agreed softly. It was not easy to erase guilt. “But we shouldn’t use his death as an excuse to stop fighting. We can’t let our fear stop us from trying.” He didn’t know how to handle this delicately, didn’t know because he himself would never forgive himself enough for Raiya’s death. Just as he was convincing Yuto, he was trying to convince himself better. They both had to fight.  
  
He waited for Yuto to stop sniffling before he said, “He’ll punch us both in the face if we stop fighting the Kaijus.”  
  
That surprised a bitter laugh out of Yuto. “He would.” He agreed. He didn’t raise his head, just kept hugging Yamada and breathing into his neck. They kept quiet like that.  
  
“Yuto…?”  
  
“I don’t want you to die, Yama-chan.” He whispered, scared, small. Like a child.  
  
“I can’t make promises I can’t keep.”  
  
Yuto whimpered, shaking his head. “You should just lie.”  
  
“I won’t ever lie to you.” He said, leaving a gentle kiss on top of Yuto’s head. “Besides, you’ll be inside my head and you’ll know the truth.”  
  
Yuto looked up then. “Can we...?”  
  
“Do you trust me?” Yamada asked quietly.  
  
Yuto nodded. He looked vulnerable and in so much need of support.  
  
“You saved my life before, so I’ll be the hero this time, okay?”

 

—  
 **PART THREE: The Beginning**  
—  
  
 _It was Yamada’s second year in the Shatterdome when Yuto and Raiya were chosen as Tacit Ronin’s pilots. Yamada was listed as the substitute in case of emergencies. “Emergencies” was code for “death of co-pilot”._  
  
 _They all celebrated when it was announced. The cafeteria ladies made Yuto’s favorite dish and Raiya’s favorite desserts. Yamada sat beside the two in the middle of the sea of people. It was fun to be surrounded by their artificial family. The Nakajima brothers were extremely happy._  
  
 _When the partying mood calmed down and the three were left alone for a bit, Raiya took Yamada by the arm and pulled him to the side. Yuto looked on curiously but did not ask. Either he knew what Raiya was about to say, or he was just respecting their privacy (for now)._  
  
 _“I need you to promise me something.” Raiya looked serious._  
  
 _“What?”_  
  
 _“You need to take care of my brother.”_  
  
 _Yamada raised an eyebrow. “…You’re freaking me out.”_  
  
 _“No, no!” Raiya pulled out the puppy-eyes. He was, after all, still the National Little Brother. “I’m just saying, since we’re going to be in the drift more, there will be things he wouldn’t say to me anymore. Marshal Kamenashi talked about it, right? Co-pilots understand each other on such a deep level that the nuances are harder to read?”_  
  
 _Nodding slowly, Yamada nodded. “He did.”_  
  
 _“So if he needs someone to talk to, he won’t think to talk to me.” He explained. “And he would **definitely** talk to you.”_  
  
 _“Because…?”_  
  
 _“You’re the princess he saved from bad guys.”_  
  
 _“I’m going to punch you if you say that again.”_  
  
 _Raiya laughed. “Sorry!” He kept on laughing and throwing glances over Yamada’s shoulder to where Yuto was now staring at them intently. “He did think that once. You’re really special to him.” He grinned. “And he’s very special to you too, right?”_  
  
 _Yamada narrowed his eyes at the younger boy. “He thought I was a princess?”_  
  
 _“Mou!” Raiya slapped a hand on his arm. “That’s what you got from that?”_  
  
 _“But **princess** really?”_  
  
 _Raiya rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, my brother is ridiculous and you still like him anyway.” He stuck out his tongue. “So, do you promise to take care of him?”_  
  
 _Yamada’s eyes softened as he nodded easily. “Of course.”_  
  
—  
  
The next Kaiju alarm rang a month after Slayer Sakura’s fall.  
  
Yamada and Yuto had done the neural handshake one time since then. One successful time where their combined memories weren’t so suffocating anymore. One successful time when they both were able to accept the past and move on. Even when they both waded through Raiya’s memories, they were able to let go.  
  
 **Pilots on board. Prepare Neural Handshake.**  
  
“Ready?”  
  
Yuto stood on the right side of the Jaeger, smiling widely at Yamada.  
  
“Ready.”  
  
 **Initiating Neural Handshake. Neural interface Drift initiated.**  
  
 _Yuto saving Yamada from the load sharks._  
  
 _Their first time eating out together. Yamada’s moans of delight while eating. Yuto’s laughter._  
  
 _Yamada’s first day in the Shatterdome. Raiya running up to meet him. Yuto looking fondly at the two like they were the world for him._  
  
 _Yuto pulling Yamada’s hand and showing him the announcement about Tacit Ronin. Them hugging happily._  
  
 _Raiya’s death. Shida’s death._  
  
 _Holding hands in front of Kamiki and Shida’s casket, promising that they will never give up._  
  
 **Right hemisphere calibrated. Left Hemisphere calibrated.**  
  
 **Ready to activate Jaeger.**  
  
 **Pilot to Jaeger connection complete.**  
  
—  
  
 _“You know how you always tell me I saved your life?”_  
  
 _“Yeah?” Yamada looked up at him from where he was sprawled on his back on the dojo’s floor. “You did. It’s a fact.”_  
  
 _“One-one.” Yuto said, smiling at him brightly. It was the first Yamada has seen without a shadow of sadness or doubt behind it for a long time. It was purely gratefulness. Contentment. Honesty. “You saved my life too.”_


End file.
